Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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