I will die if light touches me.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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