some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
