I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
