and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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