I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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