u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
