I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Randomize
