dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
