The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
