i just sent this text using only my big toe
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
