you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
