Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
