my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
