she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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