I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
