Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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