i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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