nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
