Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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