everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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