what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
