just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
