my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
