Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
