my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
