I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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