I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
