I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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