I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
