my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The struggles of a small town man whore
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
