i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
