everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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