I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
