You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
