I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
