My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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