brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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