All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
