I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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