So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
