So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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