I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
