There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
