I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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