remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
