he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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