Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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