I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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