She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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